Smell the desperation

I cant say that I have ever been this crushed in my life.

Ever.

Have you ever has the biggest crush on someone and then get steam rolled?

I have really got to stop reading blogs and such.

Its not like that whole crush was going anywhere.

I just need a good cry somedays.

I dread going back to school.

My life isnt going to go anywhere anyways.

I'll be stuck as a waffle house waitress in some small lonely town with a baby on my hip.

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Its hard to force a smile when everything feels tragic

Titles a bit dramatic, I know.
But so is my life.
Its not even the real, and honest kind of drama.
Its the fake, petty, retarded kind.

*inhales*

My family -- once again -- is the pettiest bunch of psycotic people I have even encountered.
I WILL NEVER EVER GO TO THE WALMART WITH MY MOTHER AGAIN.
She had a full cart and got selfish and childish and frustrated and walked out.
An old lady tripped over the cart.
My sister is the biggest gimme-brat on earth.

Err.

I feel so alone.
Dramatic? Yes.
After 6 months of being single, i am still trying to grasp the concept of being single.
I miss having someone to care about.
I miss someone caring about me.
(there I go sounding dramatic again)

I had the worst dream ever last night.
I was playing with my little girl, and I was so happy because she was walking for the first time.
I have never felt happier in my life than in that moment of that dream.
Then, suddenly she's gone and I am at this old rusty house.
Someone tells me that my babys up in New York and that she isnt comming back because someone put alcohol in her bottle.
I couldnt stop crying.
I never felt anything more terrifying and worse than the moment they told me my child wasnt comming back in that dream.
I woke up screaming and crying and begging for her to come back.
I am really starting to feel crappy from these night terrors.

*exhale*

I had field testing for physical science today.
And, I made a 100 on a chem test for that class.
I am a Chemistry Champ.
Its what the bracelet says.
I also fell asleep after I finished the field test.
I had a dream that I was going to burn the roses Chris gave me.
(Chris used to by me a dozen roses for every month we were together)
(I never threw them out either, I would keep them in a box beneath my bed after they died)
I finally got rid of them in my dream though.
I have never felt so accomplished in my life.

You know whats sad?
The fact that the three times I have actually truley felt an emotion in my life were in dreams.
Sure I have felt disappointment, happiness, sad.
But I have never felt those feelings so strongly in my life.

I am seriously twisted.

Never give up

Its moments like this when I ask myself "Is it all worth it? Is it all worth the fight?"
I'd like to think that he is in my imagination.
I would love to believe that I never met him or had a crush on him or even thought about him.
Fair enough?
I would like to think that I am still considered attractive.
There are the occassions where I get asked out or told how "amazing" or "beautiful" I am.
I would love to believe it though.
I would love to go on in my old body, with my normal skin and slight tan and know that guys want me.
Playing pretend can be fun, though, it does mess with your head.
I would like to think that my friends will always be there for me.
I would like to know that they wont grow up and grow apart.
In the end I know it will happen and when it does, I will have new friends.
It just wont be the same.
I would love to believe that I am not really pregnant and Chris really isnt gone.
I would like to hope someday he will see me and Emma and have a sudden yearning to know about her.
I hope my face, and the thought of not knowing his child haunts him for the rest of his life.

"Write this. A word may be shaped like a bed, a basket of tears or an X "-Micheal Palmer

Ever met someone who looked like an older version of someone you knew?
Preston looks like an older version of my friend Big Papa. Yep. make that a mental note.
Life is ok, aside from the pain killers that make me sleep and the constant reminder that I am un-attractive in my current state.

Survey fun:


....About me....
....Basics....
First Name:Marcella
Middle Name: Marie-Agnes
Last Name: Stocker
NickName(s): Marcie, Mar-Sleezy, Moe-re, Mia, Marcelery
Age: 16
Birthday: May 11
Siblings: Geanne Joanie Jeremey George TJ Jamie Billy
Their age: 34, 28, 31, 24, 19, 15, 13
Mom & Dads Name: Tom & Lee
Pets: None.
Piercings: My ears.
Tatoos: None yet.
Height: 5'4"
Weight:: Haha, HUGE... stupid boy just had to get me pregnant.
Eye Color: Blue
Hair Color: Blonde/red/brown
Shoe Size: 9

....Favorite....

Movie: Curious George, Blazing Saddles, Monty Python (QftHG), Jay and Silent Bob Strikesback, Stepford Wives, Starwars, All the HP movies, The Wedding Singer
TV show: Clerks (Haha, id be suprised if anyone remembers that show) King of the Hill, FOOD TV,Law and Order, Monk, Psyic, Myth Busters, Nip Tuck
Color: Pink & Turquiose
Actress:Mylie Cyrus
Actor:Adam Sadler
Number: 17
Football Team:Panthers & Eagles
Person: Jerica
Food: Cheescake!
Fruit:: Strawberries
Pet: I MISS GILBERT (RIP lil buddy)
Brand of clothes: AE or Levi's
Quote:
"I believe in everything until it's disproved. So I believe in fairies, the myths, dragons. It all exists, even if it's in your mind. Who's to say that dreams and nightmares aren't as real as the here and now? Reality leaves a lot to the imagination."
-John Lennon

Singer: John Lennon

Song:Imagine - JL

Lyric from a song:
Your face it dances and it haunts me
Your laughter's still ringing in my ears

Day of the week: Friday

Month of the year: October

Season: Fall

....Friends....

Your best friend: I dont think I really have a BEST friend.
Your Friends: Just-ez, Shauna, Jade, Jerica, Winter, Waffle, Tyler, Rosie, Jon, Kate, Lauren, Cristy, Preston


One that knows you the best: Justin
One that can keep a secret:Winter
Most Outgoing: Kate
Shiest: Rosie
Wittiest: Cristy or Jerica
Wildest: Justin or Lauren
Tallest: Preston, the rest of my friends are EXTREMLEY short
Shortest: Winter. Poor girls only 5 foot
The Athletic one: Haha, is none an option?
Dumbest: Justin lol
Smartest: Jon or Cristy
Best singer: I wouldn't know

....Your Crush....

Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend: No
If so, whats their name:
Are you in love: No
Do you have a crush: Yes.

....Just a few more Q's....
Do you like filling out these surveys: Eh
Are you glad this one is over:No cause now i gotta clean
What time is it: 2:30 PM

There are some days you will just regret for the rest of your life, a year ago today was one of those days.

Have you ever "fallen" for someone against your better judgement, and still pursued them?
I did.
A year ago today, I asked Chris out.
Chris being my babys daddy, and my ex fiance.
yea, fiance.
A year ago, I was so torn up inside from my break up with Ian that I was desperate to let my heart love again. I was so destroyed inside that I felt like I needed to fill the void that was in my heart.
So around 10:30 pm that Wednesday night, I called Chris up after everyone went to sleep and asked him to date me. In my heart, I knew I didn't really find him attractive, or even someone that I was remotely interested in. All I remember thinking was "this is my freedom. this is my way of getting over my first love". I was forbid by my father to see Chris but I didn't care. Chris and his friends were my escape from the crying, from missing Ian, from letting guys use me. Chris and his friends were all about fast cars and freedom. About being out way past curfew, about smoking and drinking, about hotel party's. Chris and his friends became my life. I was so enamored with the thought of being around kids my age who could do whatever and being with an older guy who was in control that I didn't want to give it up.
Later, when I tried to end things with Chris the Thursday before Friday before Christmas to be with Dustin, everything got messed up, and somehow, I ended up with Chris again.
So even though I didn't love him or want to be with him I stayed. I don't know why exactly. Maybe just because I liked his friends, maybe cause he bought me cigarettes. I don't know why exactly.
He asked me to marry him January 11. Another day I regret. We were in the Food Lion parking lot waiting for Sean to get off work. We were standing outside of his car when before God and the stars he asked me to marry him. I didn't want to disappoint him, so I said yes. He seemed excited. I was less than thrilled, but more than a bitch. I just didn't have the heart to tell him I didn't love him. I never had the heart to tell him I never loved him. So while he went on planning our lives together in his head, I played along, nodding, agreeing, smiling. For some reason, all I can ever remember alot of is smiling. He would beg and plead with me to tell my parents about us, but I wouldn't. I couldn't. I loved my dad, and that sense of freedom to much. I just wanted to be away from home at this point though, so I would play along with his little game of "house". Around April and May, I started to really want to break up with him. I couldn't bear the thought of continuing the charade.

Baz Luhrmann once said "DON'T BE RECKLESS WITH OTHER PEOPLE'S HEARTS. DON'T PUT UP WITH PEOPLE WHO ARE RECKLESS WITH YOURS"

So, when I found out later in May that I was pregnant, I felt so trapped. I felt like the walls were closing in on me. I wanted to break up with him so bad but I didn't know if I could now that I was pregnant. So, I waited. I wanted him to run and hide. At first he seemed so happy, so confident about it. Eventually he got cowardly, like most guys do and left me. I acted like I was so hurt and blah blah, but to tell you the truth, I never felt better in my entire life. That 6 months of my life, I had been lying to myself and everyone I truly loved. I lied to him and hurt him and cheated on him, and I couldn't take the thought of living with myself. The entire time I was dating him, I felt like I was living a nightmare. I had become one of those girls that you see on Maury and Montel, and that was the last person I wanted to be growing up.
Sometimes I wonder if he wonders what is happening with me and the baby now and days. Then I remind myself that I don't want to wonder. I have no desire to be with him again. I have no hope or desire to see him come back. I don't even want him in my little girls life. I do want my baby to be happy, and healthy, and I want her to know that I love her and that just because he dad isn't around doesn't mean she isn't loved. She has a wonderful Grandpa and Gramma that love her alot to.

If I could used 5 songs to describe how I feel they would be:
Lindsey Haun - Broken
Jo Dee Messina - Bring on the Rain
The Beatles - Getting Better
Sarah Buxton - Innocence
Rascal Flatts - I'm moving on



So, for an update on life:
Went to the chiropractor today, and she said my constant headaches and neck pain is from "Military Neck". Instead of having a curved neck like everyone else, I have a completely straight neck, which causes this crazy pressure on a nerve and is damaging my neck to the point where 5 years from now I am arthritis bound. Isn't that lovely.

NORMAL NECK: MILITARY NECK:

Normal necks have a curve, military neck doesn't. meaning that I am missing the curve of comfort and that my neck nerves are being squished.





I wonder where everyone is... are y'all alive?

Im just a little pissed off

I have the worlds worst, and possibly most psychotic family.
My sister is the most selfish person on earth, and if you dont do something for her, your a lazy bitch.
My brothers are so fucking lazy they cant do anything as simple as flush.
My mom is more concerned with impressing people than she is about her family.
My dad gets pissed at you for no reason. Take tonight for example, he made the comment "this would taste good with some cornbread"
and then gets mad when I say "if you want cornbread then ask" then he turns around and throws the cornbread out.
So he is all pissed off at me because he didnt like it
TO FUCKING BAD. I TOLD HIM IT WAS A YEAR OUT OF DATE, AND HE SAID IT DIDNT MATTER.
thats his own god damned fault.

I dont even know what to say about my "friends"
My "best friend" has a only child complex and expects everyone to share and do shit for him but he cant do anything for anyone else.
My lunch crew are just odd.
I cant trust anyone for shit.

My fucking teachers are so god damned lazy and out of their fucking minds that they are sooooo inconvienced when it comes to answering a simple question.

Guys, I dont even want to go there.
They lead you on, make you think that they like you then play games with your mind.
Or suddenly stop talking to you.
Or when you try talking to them, they are so busy with everyone else around them that you are just a piece of shit on the other end of the line.

I just give up on fucking life all together.

Now I have a damned baby comming into the world, that to be honest isnt the top thing on my mind, and I dont think I am going to be able to take care of her.
And I am not sure that I want to.
But nooo, i have to play "responsible teen parent" because the babys daddy is nothing but a piece of shit coward, like everyother guy I know.

I try to make the best of fucking life, but I just cant. I really feel like suicide some days.

This is just a test

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