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I can’t stand that Josh is being a butt. We were talking on the phone and he was making fun of me for having bad grades, but its not that I am stupid. I have a high IQ; I just don’t put forth the necessary effort to make the grades. So I told him I had higher than a 148, but the highest is 161. I also told him I didn’t know an exact number. So he tried to turn my words against me and stuff. But it is whatever. And now he is saying that he purposely didn’t get a note signed so I cant go to internship today. I hate that. That is just mean. Especially after everything he was doing yesterday. We are watching fiddler on a roof. It’s quite the little movie for shoty special effects and a bunch of Russian Jews. They are dancing. Last night Ellie and I were shopping and we were looking at dresses for prom then we saw wedding dresses. It made me realize that I am not going to be ready for marriage for a long time. I used to love Josh enough that I would have married him on the spot if he asked, but now idk if it is that much anymore. Idk anything when it comes to him anymore. One minute he loves me the next he hates me. Sometimes he acts like it, most the time he doesn’t. He says he isn’t using me but he has a bad way of proving it. And just when I begin to believe him, he does something that says the opposite.
Blah. Anyways, Ellie and I had an interesting time. That’s for sure.
I don’t really know what else to say other than I am confused
And I am tired of bare explanations and lame excuses. There is NO excuse for telling a girl you love her and want to be with her but saying the same to a girl who doesn’t even like you. There is no reason in the world as to why he should be trying to play me. I am good to him. I don’t run around cheating on him. Someone told me Brooke was the one spreading the rumors about Mohawk boy and me. I believe it. I am just sitting here trying to pass the time so that I can see if he is going to txt back or not. What gets me is if it were someone else he would do it in a hot second. But Nooooo he can’t do anything for me, unless it benefits him.
I don’t love Josh as much as I used to. I don’t get the butterflies either. I don’t get as excited when I know he is coming over. I guess it all has to do with $3X. That’s just too much all the time. This movie reminds me of me and Josh lol. The constant “do you love me’s”. I smell like febreeze. I hate this. Jeeze. People just don’t get it. I love Josh, but I am starting to get very tired of his bullcocky (I am in school so I have to be careful lol)
“My stomach hurts” is NOT a good reason to not hug me. If I had a dime for every time that my stomach hurt or my head hurt and I still did it with him, I would be a rich girl.

Stutter

what is going thru his head?
last night he was calling me names and telling me how he hates me.
today he expects me to want to walk with him?
he needs to figure out what u want.

Kill me now plz.

At this point, there is nothing to even live for.
Lets add to that, Josh is obviously cheating on me if "random" people are sending chest pictures to him.
I am tired of this.
I try and try and all he ever does is make me feel like worthless crap.
like he is constantly using me or something.
I hate this.

wearin ur F me pumps

Dust them off.


Josh and I broke up.
It was hard at first, and after friday night I thought I was gonna be ok, but turns out that things change. We txtd all day saturday and then talked for like 5 hrs saturday night and that is what completly changed my mind.

I was so convinced I was ready to move on and get over it, but im not.
and thats what hurts the most.
Its so hard to deal with all of this but i guess i have to right?

I dont even want to think about moving on now.
I hate this.
I was content with just hoping things would work out, then more drama.

I wish Josh and I would just get back together and everything be normal again.
its been the longest and most painful week of my life
















other than all of that there are a few postives here and there. I have yet to figure them out just yet but still, life goes on i guess

.

one of the hardest things people will ever have to endure is anticipation.

keep that in mind

it will mimmick u like a picture print

IT IS EXTREMELY EMBARASSING WHEN YOUR OWN BOYFRIEND CAN BARELY TELL SOMEONE ABOUT YOU.


he didnt even remember i have a kid or what her name is. or how many brothers or sisters I have.
or anything important.
dear god help me.

Breathing wont heal it

So Josh has decided to sit over there across the room but whatever.
Dad bought him a gift but its gotta get taken back cause its crooked.
This teacher is really laid back its kind of awkward.
Allison is talking and its funny
Josh is STILL ignoring me

Over the rainbow

So today has been yet another awkward day.
Josh is been kind of avoiding me again.
Last night he said he just doesnt feel well.
He ignored me at coffee break.
Katie sat with us. She told me some interesting stuff, but IDC cause I trust Josh.
I hope Josh doesnt think that I said he was an asshole cause it was katie who screamed that, not me.
I let Garrett have it this morning, i was pissed. He came up to me like " Someone (probably Josh) said u were talking crap about me" I told him the straight truth, I WAS.
I would never kiss Garrett so his dream or whatever he had and told Josh was BS.
Justin came out to the lunch table today. It was really interesting.
We did a project about what we cant live without in anatomy. Oh no.
Dusty and I sang a duet today the IN THE JUNGLE SONG.
Then me and Justin did the Celine Dion song.
It was hilarious.
Sometimes God does stuff just to humor me.
That class is one of them.
Back to the whole Josh thing though, sometimes it is really frustrating. He is acting like he hates me and IDK why. Its not my fault.


Modeling=Great.

Comming up for Air

The last couple of days have been very awkward ones.
Josh doesnt even really want to be around me which is a pretty upseting thing I guess.
Everytime I call he is to busy or something like that.
When I try to sit with him in class he moves, same with at breakfast.
He says some mean stuff to me too. More than usual. Justin says its jsut the way he is sometimes and he doesnt mean to be hurtful and everytime i bring it up to Josh he tells me he is sorry and that he will stop but he keeps on being hurtful. I was reading something in anatomy class that says that the reason many young females have a lot of pelvic pain is because of the stress of verbally abusive boyfriends. I wouldnt go quite as far as to say that but still. i do have that problem alot. I never know when he is joking so i just guess he isnt joking and it really hurts sometimes. Justin isnt helping at all. He likes to tell me every little thing. idk if he does it to see me mad and hurt or if he is just trying to help me out. I have been holding in so much that i am afraid i am going to explode. Honestly. I love Josh to death but Justin brought up a good point. Would Josh even care if we broke up?
I know I would.
I would be devistated.
But thats not the point.

The point is, one minute he makes me feel like he really means that he loves me and the next I dont even have a clue. If he was just 100% straight forward about things, life would be alot easier.

Ok, and lets add to this whole deal that I have no clue what I am doing wrong!

The only posibble thing I can really think of is he is disappointed about my physical apperance. I would be too if I was him. Understandable. I guess. either way though, I have been trying to work on that. I lost ANOTHER 10lbs this week. Which is good and bad. Thats 20lbs in less than a month. To tell you the truth the big reason I am doing the modeling is so that maybe he will find me attractive. What guy wouldnt love to have a model for their girlfriend? The agency wants me to lose 20 more lbs and dye my hair blonde. Josh likes my hair blonde anyways.
I just dont want to do any shoots or things that will make him mad. thats all I worry about there.

I wish he would just tell me what he is so unhappy about when it comes to me. Jeeze how hard would that be?


I really do love him though. :-)

So yesturday I finally signed on with the agency. I am really excited to start.
Youth Group went to Holy angels to give them money. I never realized how awkward retards can make u feel.

Things just arent going