There are some days you will just regret for the rest of your life, a year ago today was one of those days.

Have you ever "fallen" for someone against your better judgement, and still pursued them?
I did.
A year ago today, I asked Chris out.
Chris being my babys daddy, and my ex fiance.
yea, fiance.
A year ago, I was so torn up inside from my break up with Ian that I was desperate to let my heart love again. I was so destroyed inside that I felt like I needed to fill the void that was in my heart.
So around 10:30 pm that Wednesday night, I called Chris up after everyone went to sleep and asked him to date me. In my heart, I knew I didn't really find him attractive, or even someone that I was remotely interested in. All I remember thinking was "this is my freedom. this is my way of getting over my first love". I was forbid by my father to see Chris but I didn't care. Chris and his friends were my escape from the crying, from missing Ian, from letting guys use me. Chris and his friends were all about fast cars and freedom. About being out way past curfew, about smoking and drinking, about hotel party's. Chris and his friends became my life. I was so enamored with the thought of being around kids my age who could do whatever and being with an older guy who was in control that I didn't want to give it up.
Later, when I tried to end things with Chris the Thursday before Friday before Christmas to be with Dustin, everything got messed up, and somehow, I ended up with Chris again.
So even though I didn't love him or want to be with him I stayed. I don't know why exactly. Maybe just because I liked his friends, maybe cause he bought me cigarettes. I don't know why exactly.
He asked me to marry him January 11. Another day I regret. We were in the Food Lion parking lot waiting for Sean to get off work. We were standing outside of his car when before God and the stars he asked me to marry him. I didn't want to disappoint him, so I said yes. He seemed excited. I was less than thrilled, but more than a bitch. I just didn't have the heart to tell him I didn't love him. I never had the heart to tell him I never loved him. So while he went on planning our lives together in his head, I played along, nodding, agreeing, smiling. For some reason, all I can ever remember alot of is smiling. He would beg and plead with me to tell my parents about us, but I wouldn't. I couldn't. I loved my dad, and that sense of freedom to much. I just wanted to be away from home at this point though, so I would play along with his little game of "house". Around April and May, I started to really want to break up with him. I couldn't bear the thought of continuing the charade.

Baz Luhrmann once said "DON'T BE RECKLESS WITH OTHER PEOPLE'S HEARTS. DON'T PUT UP WITH PEOPLE WHO ARE RECKLESS WITH YOURS"

So, when I found out later in May that I was pregnant, I felt so trapped. I felt like the walls were closing in on me. I wanted to break up with him so bad but I didn't know if I could now that I was pregnant. So, I waited. I wanted him to run and hide. At first he seemed so happy, so confident about it. Eventually he got cowardly, like most guys do and left me. I acted like I was so hurt and blah blah, but to tell you the truth, I never felt better in my entire life. That 6 months of my life, I had been lying to myself and everyone I truly loved. I lied to him and hurt him and cheated on him, and I couldn't take the thought of living with myself. The entire time I was dating him, I felt like I was living a nightmare. I had become one of those girls that you see on Maury and Montel, and that was the last person I wanted to be growing up.
Sometimes I wonder if he wonders what is happening with me and the baby now and days. Then I remind myself that I don't want to wonder. I have no desire to be with him again. I have no hope or desire to see him come back. I don't even want him in my little girls life. I do want my baby to be happy, and healthy, and I want her to know that I love her and that just because he dad isn't around doesn't mean she isn't loved. She has a wonderful Grandpa and Gramma that love her alot to.

If I could used 5 songs to describe how I feel they would be:
Lindsey Haun - Broken
Jo Dee Messina - Bring on the Rain
The Beatles - Getting Better
Sarah Buxton - Innocence
Rascal Flatts - I'm moving on



So, for an update on life:
Went to the chiropractor today, and she said my constant headaches and neck pain is from "Military Neck". Instead of having a curved neck like everyone else, I have a completely straight neck, which causes this crazy pressure on a nerve and is damaging my neck to the point where 5 years from now I am arthritis bound. Isn't that lovely.

NORMAL NECK: MILITARY NECK:

Normal necks have a curve, military neck doesn't. meaning that I am missing the curve of comfort and that my neck nerves are being squished.





I wonder where everyone is... are y'all alive?